


Blue Jeans Serenade

by pinkhimchanism



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, B.A.P are good friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 11:56:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13270953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkhimchanism/pseuds/pinkhimchanism
Summary: Kim Himchan might have hoped for more when he had entered that friends with benefits arrangement with Jongup. Now Jongup is dating Junhong and Himchan is left with his unrequited feelings.At least Yongguk is there to help him along, as he always is.





	Blue Jeans Serenade

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers which I listened to loads while writing this. I just always loved the expression Blue Jeans Serenade so there we go.

Kim Himchan hated showing feelings to anyone at all. He just disliked the vulnerability that came with it. Which was why he had basically taken it all neutrally when Jongup had confessed to him he had fallen in love with Junhong, with his cute smile, the way he blinked, his crinkly eyes, his love for memes – all things Himchan couldn’t hope to compete with. 

He just wasn’t Choi Junhong, it was as easy as that if he was honest to himself. And Jongup was still his best friend, that much Jongup had made clear. But the part of their friendship that was labelled as “with benefits” had to be cut off. 

And Himchan, he didn’t really mourn the loss of the sex, more the possibility of Jongup falling for him. That was the crux of all of this: Himchan had fallen in love with Jongup, but the latter had never fallen for _him_. 

And it hurt. Of course it did, but still, Himchan had allowed himself to hope. Had interpreted every little smile as the vague possibility that Jongup maybe harboured feelings for him in return. And now Himchan had his answer. And while he valued their friendship, he still wished there was more. 

A spiteful part of him wanted to destroy whatever was blossoming between Junhong and Jongup. He wanted to crush their hopes and hearts as much as his hopes and heart had been crushed. 

Instead he soothed his pain with a glass of red wine. He sat on the sofa in their shared living room that was only illuminated by a dim lamp next to the couch and the tv. Some drama was on but Himchan couldn’t say he really paid attention even though he normally enjoyed dramas. 

Instead, he swirled the glass between his fingers and watched as the light reflected from the red liquid. He grinned to himself when he thought about how this exact move was usually only employed by vampires in movies and shows when they wanted to drink their blood in a conspicuously inconspicuous way. 

He couldn’t destroy what Jongup and Junhong had. He loved both of them, in different ways, yes, but he still did. It wouldn’t be right to do this. And it probably would not change Jongup’s feelings towards him, and if it did, only in the negative way. That was not what he wanted at all. 

The fact that the two youngest members of their group were out on a cinema date didn’t make things better though. It used to be Himchan who went to the cinema with Jongup. Not Junhong. Himchan took a sip from his glass of wine to drown his jealousy and frowned at the tv as if it was its personal fault that he was in this very situation. 

“Mind if I join you in your misery? You seem like you could use company.” Yongguk’s deep voice startled Himchan out of his thoughts and he turned towards the door where the other man was leaning against the door frame and was slowly coming in once he had been acknowledged. “Bbang. You only want to steal my good red wine.” 

He watched as Yongguk went to the cupboard and got himself a wine glass. “Also, did you just say I look like shit? Thanks, I guess?” Yongguk chuckled and wandered over to Himchan. 

“Well you do. The others are all out and you’re left alone, watching reruns of dramas and drinking wine by yourself.” 

“And who else is here? The workaholic himself,” Himchan mumbled and poured Yongguk a glass of his precious wine. Yongguk chuckled and took a sip, humming softly at the taste. 

For a while, it was only the tv disturbing the silence. The heroine was getting fed up with the hero and yelling at him. 

“What happened that got you into this mood, Channie?” Yongguk finally asked. Himchan didn’t want to look at him, not really. It was always as if he looked right through him. Probably because Yongguk usually could indeed look right through him. Perks of spending an inordinate amount of time with your best friend. Finally, Himchan looked up. “Do I really have to talk about it?” 

“I’m assuming it’s feelings? If you’d just blown up the fridge or something, you would talk.” 

“I did not blow up the fridge, do I look like Daehyun and Youngjae?” 

“You’re avoiding me.” 

And shit, Yongguk got him there. Himchan sipped on his wine again, briefly entertaining the thought of just downing the whole glass and then the rest of the bottle. But that would probably only alert Yongguk that something really did upset him, and he would have a headache in the morning or throw up right this evening. All things considered, a brief sip was better. 

Yongguk let him be as he didn’t answer for a while. For all the complaining Himchan did on reality shows about how Yongguk was like a brick wall when trying to communicate with him, he sometimes was grateful for it. And when it was important, he did talk. Like starting this whole conversation about how Himchan was feeling. While Himchan didn’t particularly want to talk about it, he still appreciated the fact Yongguk cared enough to notice and ask. 

“If I tell you, promise me not to tell a soul. Even if Youngjae gets you drunk”, Himchan finally said. He did kind of want to talk about it. If only to have someone to give him an appropriate amount of sympathy. 

“Youngjae can’t even hope to get me drunk. None of you can, really. You’re all lightweights. So yes, I promise.” 

“Rude, I can get you drunk.”

“I thought you wanted to tell me what’s up.” 

Another sip from his glass of wine, for strength. The hero in the drama was doing his job, being a hero. Protecting people. Himchan vaguely recalled having seen this scene before. Someone was shouting outside on the streets, something that was incomprehensible to Himchan. 

“Jongup and Junhong. They’re a thing now. Or on their way to become a thing. No casual sex for me anymore.” 

Yongguk hummed. “It’s not about the casual sex though, is it?” 

“No, it’s not. Jongup… He… Why not me, Yongguk?” Himchan felt so young suddenly, like the very first time his heart had been broken, by Hyerim, back at school. When she had just ended it after two months and Himchan had been left wondering what he had done wrong. 

Yongguk put his glass on the table besides the couch and put an arm around Himchan awkwardly. “Sometimes… it’s just not meant to be, I guess? But someone else will come along.” 

Himchan leaned against the older man. “This still fucking sucks though.” 

“I know.” 

 

 

Himchan didn’t know if the fact they didn’t have any comeback activities or concerts right now made things easier or even worse. On the one hand, he didn’t have to keep up a happy façade in front of cameras, unless they were doing some live broadcast. On the other hand, he didn’t have much to keep himself distracted with. Yes, he could go to dance practice and he could meet his friends and just drown himself in drama reruns as one ought to every now and then, but he was still mostly alone with his thoughts and that didn’t really improve his situation. 

“Yongguk?” He asked as he slowly opened the door to the older man’s room after knocking. Yongguk was sitting at his desk, the last bits of sunlight filtering through the window. His desk was mostly illuminated by his desk lamp though, so the looming darkness didn’t make much of a difference. He was drawing something that Himchan couldn’t quite recognise from where he was standing by the door, but he knew Yongguk was getting better at it. 

“Yes?” 

“I was wondering whether you wanted to go out? Like, in half an hour or something? I don’t think I can spend much more time holed up inside.” And Jongup had disappeared in Junhong’s room sometime earlier to do gods know what – Himchan didn’t really think he should try to figure out what it was they were doing. It wouldn’t help him in any way and it wasn’t even his business to begin with. 

Yongguk smiled and nodded and Himchan left his room again. Things with Yongguk usually required little words, were easy. 

 

 

It was still fairly warm, even though it was pretty late in the evening and Himchan enjoyed it, enjoyed the way the alcohol in his system slowed down his thoughts, made him calmer, maybe also louder and more open to show his emotions. If Yongguk had gone with him on purpose to make him open up – Himchan didn’t care. Yongguk was his friend, he knew he could confess to him, he knew he wouldn’t tell anyone. Besides, it had been his idea in the first place so who was he to complain about Yongguk accepting his invitation? 

Surprisingly even to himself, Himchan only started complaining about his situation in the taxi on the way home. “Why doesn’t he like me that way? Didn’t the sex mean anything at all to him?” 

“I thought you’d cleared it up between the two of you that it’s just a ‘with benefits’ thing?” Himchan pulled his face mask up a little, adjusting it with about zero reason to do so – apart from the obvious advantage of having an excuse to not reply instantly. 

“We did. But – look, okay, I’m… I might have still hoped a bit? I know that’s cliché and stupid…“ – “It is.” – “Thanks for your input there. Anyway, I know it’s kind of stupid and cliché, but I couldn’t exactly stop having feelings and this was all I was getting so – why not take the chance and enjoy it while it lasts?” 

“Because it will hurt more afterwards?” 

“But I also gave it a chance? And if you never take a chance, how will you ever get anything at all, right?” 

“Damn, that’s good. I still think it was a stupid idea.” 

“It was a stupid idea,” Himchan mumbled, to nobody in particular, as he looked out of the window into the night and watched the bright lights of the cars passing by and the illuminated buildings along the highway. “Because it does fucking hurt.” 

The car was quiet apart from the sound of the engine and the song that was coming from the car radio (not a song by them, as Himchan noted absent-mindedly – how dare they). He felt a soft touch on his shoulder from a warm hand. “I’m sorry,” Yongguk whispered and Himchan acknowledged that with a little sigh. 

 

 

Himchan was lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, listening to music from his stereo, as the door opened and Youngjae walked right in. 

“You know you should knock, don’t you?” 

Youngjae, prone to selective hearing, chose to ignore that. “I found one of your shirts in my laundry, so have it back, Himchan.” He threw it right into Himchan’s face and Himchan considered the pros and cons of homicide. 

“I can see you plotting murder from over here and you have a shirt in your face. Keep it down.” Himchan delicately plucked the shirt from his face and sat up, starting to neatly fold his shirt to not give into his murderous instincts. 

Youngjae sighed and closed the door behind him, then sat down next to Himchan. 

“Hyung.” 

“Dongsaeng.”

“Listen, I know this whole thing Jongup and Junhong have got going there now…” 

Himchan sighed and wished the Earth would swallow him whole. “Yes, what about it?”

“I know they’re both upset because you’re upset. They don’t want you to be unhappy, but they also don’t want to lie to you about this whole thing, I guess. Don’t cut them out, yes? I know you can’t be instantly happy again but… don’t let this destroy your friendship, okay?” 

Himchan looked up and smiled weakly. For all his sass, Youngjae just wanted everyone to be happy and get along. It was adorable. He reached out to ruffle the younger one’s hair. Youngjae ducked away to get away from his hand. 

“I’ll try my best,” Himchan said softly. He had a feeling the smile on his face was a tad sad, but he still thought he should get a gold star for trying. 

“Thank you, hyung,” Youngjae said with a small smile. “I know this sucks but, you know, you’ll find someone, too.” 

“Can you please not get cheesy or I will have to hide some really stinking fish in your room. Somewhere you’ll never find it.” 

“I’m being a good friend for fucking once and this is what I get?” 

Himchan looked at Youngjae who was actually pouting a little and then broke into laughter. Youngjae joined him after a moment and Himchan only calmed down again when his stomach began to hurt. 

 

 

“How’s it going with Junhong?” Himchan asked softly even though he would rather stab himself with a fork than actually know the answer to that question. He looked over at Jongup who was slumped next to him on his bed, looking through Twitter. 

Okay, so maybe a small part of him wanted to know if Jongup was happy. He was just glad that the awkwardness between them had slowly faded away again. Jongup answering to his texts immediately had been quite unsettling and now he was back to having to call him if he wanted something so Himchan was feeling better about that again. 

“Pretty good, actually. We… You actually want the cheesy details? Because Junhong can be pretty cheesy.” Jongup grinned a little and Himchan couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“I don’t think I want them. Also, please no details on your sex life. I don’t need to know everything.” 

“We literally slept with each other. You had me dirty talk.” 

“And what a disaster that has been.” Himchan shuddered at the memory. This had been so awkward. “But no, don’t tell me. Junhong is, like, fourteen in my head. Don’t do this.” 

“He’s taller than you.” 

“Still fourteen.” 

After a small episode during which Jongup tried his damnedest to smother Himchan with a pillow and the latter tried his damnedest to survive that, Himchan looked up at Jongup, panting. “Are you happy?” 

Jongup smiled. “I am. Are you?” 

“I’m happy for you,” Himchan said quietly and Jongup’s smile faltered a little but there was nothing Himchan could do about that. He was happy for Jongup, that much was true. But he wasn’t sure about the rest. 

 

 

“I wish I could sing like Daehyun or Youngjae,” Himchan admitted with a sigh. “Jongup is getting better, too. And I… I feel like I’m stuck.” 

Yongguk gently reached for Himchan’s hand and squeezed it. “You’re none of them, though. You’re Himchan and our songs would not be half as good as they are without your voice in it. Also, you probably know more about musical theory than all of us combined. Which does come in handy sometimes and you know that.” 

Himchan could feel the warmth of a blush creeping onto his face and tinting it in approximately the colour of a tomato. “Why are your hands so cold? How do you always do that? Why have a freezer when you could just hold everything in your hands?” Himchan mumbled and put his hand over Yongguk’s, trying to get it to warm up. 

Yongguk looked at Himchan, smiling a little. It was beyond Himchan how anyone could think Yongguk was cold and scary. He was only an oversized teddy with too many tigger plushies in his possession. One of which was staring at him from the arm rest of the couch they were sitting on. 

Himchan leaned against Yongguk, feeling the reassuring pressure on his shoulders when the older man put an arm around him. 

It was silent for a while, just them sitting there in the couch, and neither of them complained. Their silences were hardly ever awkward, not anymore, hadn’t been for many years. They were comfortable, soothing. 

 

 

“Yongguk, how do you fall out of love?” A question, in the dead of night, Yongguk’s face only illuminated by the lights from Seoul outside their window. 

“If only I knew.” Himchan wondered if the sad smile on the other man’s face was real or a trick of the light. And if it was real, what exactly it meant. 

 

“Thank you for cooking tonight, Himchan. It’s so good,” Daehyun said with a grin and threw him kiss hands at which Himchan wrinkled his nose but he still couldn’t help but smile. 

“I can’t risk you setting fire to the frying pan again.” 

“That was one time, for fuck’s sake.” 

“Language,” Yongguk mumbled which had Youngjae and Jongup snorting. Jongup ended up with a neck chop for his troubles, mostly because he had the good fortune to sit next to Himchan. Junhong on the other hand had settled for the tactic to keep quiet and therefore eat faster than any of his hyungs who were all, in some way or another, distracted. That would mean more food if he played his cards right. 

Himchan couldn’t help but feel a certain fondness for his kind of dysfunctional family. They had been through so much and he knew that while they were bickering (mostly for the fun of it, if he was being honest), they would stick together during tough times. 

He didn’t particularly like looking back at the times during which it had been necessary. Too many bad memories were connected with that time. He could very well remember in what a bad place each of them had been, each in their own way, each terrifying him in its own way until he had been unable to take it and had disappeared to New York for some time. His bad conscience had followed him all those kilometres, staying with him and making him come back sooner than he had thought he would. 

He could feel Jongup’s hand on his back, a reassuring pressure. He was one of his closest friends and of course he would pick up on his moods. Himchan couldn’t help but smile a little. None of the others had noticed their little exchange. Jongup was sneaky when needed to be. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, quiet enough for only Jongup to hear. 

 

 

Himchan woke with a hangover and the distinct feeling he had done something the night before which he regretted dearly. Or would regret dearly if he would remember correctly. He didn’t have time to ponder it any more though as he had to quickly run for the bathroom to throw up. He made it just in time and wondered if he couldn’t just die right here and then. He would not survive the day. 

“You look like shit, hyung,” Daehyun said cheerfully and far too loudly in Himchan’s opinion. 

“Too loud. Anyway, you’d know all about that, looking like that every day.” 

“I might be hurt if you’d look any less pitiful.” 

Himchan grumbled and started making himself coffee. He was busy cursing any deity he could think of because the coffee machine was even louder than Daehyun’s incessant chattering to Youngjae, when Yongguk entered the kitchen, saw Himchan, and turned on his heel and left the room again. Himchan remembered the feeling he had fucked up the night before then. 

“Guys? Did… What’s Yongguk leaving the kitchen when he sees me about?” 

Daehyun and Youngjae both looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Man, you were drunker than I thought you were,” Youngjae finally said. 

“You told Yongguk he was a fine piece of ass and asked if he wanted to have sex with you,” Daehyun said and had the decency to look at least a bit sorry to be the messenger bearing bad messages.

Himchan wanted instant death more at this moment than anything else. He groaned quietly. “What happened then? I mean, I woke up dressed and in my own bed.” 

“Unfortunately, Yongguk kind of lost it with you. He told you to stop being an ass – at which point you giggled to help your situation enormously – and if you would maybe stop playing with him. Because he thought you were his friend,” Daehyun explained and Youngjae made a face, for once kind of sympathetic. 

“Fuck. You two don’t want to coincidentally kill me?” 

“Gladly, though I don’t think that’s the way to deal with this.” 

“It is. I am hungover and Bbang is angry at me.” 

Youngjae sighed and dragged Himchan to sit at the table, handing him his coffee. “Sit. I’ll make you toast.” 

“Will you make me toast, too, Youngjae, my favourite dongsaeng?” Daehyun asked sweetly. 

“Whatever.” 

 

 

After some coffee and toast from Youngjae, Himchan felt slightly more human. “What did Yongguk mean by wanting me to stop playing with him?” 

The two younger men paused and looked at each other, making Himchan feel as if he was missing something obvious. 

“You’re surprisingly stupid sometimes, you know that?”

“Thanks, Youngjae.” 

“You’re welcome. But honestly, that one you’ve got to figure out for yourself.” 

Himchan groaned and let his head thump onto the table, regretting that about a nanosecond later. 

 

 

“Yongguk?” He asked softly as he opened the door to Yongguk’s room, ignoring the intense need he felt to run away from his drunk mistakes and never return ever again. 

“What do you want, Himchan?” 

“To talk?” He announced and walked in, closing the door behind him before Yongguk could object. Yongguk grumbled something Himchan couldn’t quite understand. 

“Fine, then talk,” Yongguk said after a pause that was very much uncomfortable. 

“I was drunk last night. Really drunk. And I’m sorry about what I said and did. I mean, you are a fine piece of ass if I may say so, Bbang, but… This was kind of not really… I don’t know. It was weird. But… you got to help me out with the next bit. Why does it hurt you that much?” 

Yongguk stared at him as if he had lost his mind. Himchan shifted uncomfortably and decided now was the time to stare at his feet. 

“Do you actually not know? Are you-?” Yongguk got up and Himchan remembered his ancient instincts to run away from impeding dangers. He resisted them though because it would not help his case at all.

“No, I don’t know so it would help a lot if you would just tell me.” 

“I have a fucking crush on you, Himchan. Have had for some time now. I think about everyone knows, everyone but you. That’s what’s up. So no, I don’t want meaningless sex and I don’t want you to tell me I am a fine piece of ass unless you mean anything by it. Gosh, I can’t believe you don’t know.” Yongguk shook his head and shoved an unresisting Himchan out of his room. 

Outside, Himchan just sat down on the floor and stared at the closed door. “Fuck,” he mumbled and sighed at the sympathetic smile Youngjae gave him in passing. 

 

 

Now there was the issue of figuring himself out. Himchan hated doing that. What did he feel for Yongguk? That was the big question. 

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, making Himchan blink and remember there was a world around him and that it wasn’t just himself, Yongguk, and their problems. The door opened when he asked whoever it was to enter and, to his surprise, it was Junhong standing there. Granted, he looked a little unsure of himself, but he was there. 

“I brought you ramyeon, hyung. You haven’t left your room all day, so I thought you might need something,” Junhong said, holding out a bowl of ramyeon. It didn’t look bad. In fact, it looked heavenly, which might also have to do with the fact that Himchan really was starving. 

“What time is it? Do you have a bowl for yourself as well or do I need to feed you?” Junhong just smiled and came in, setting the bowl on Himchan’s night stand. There was still steam coming from it. It smelled great. 

Junhong sat down next to Himchan on the bed. “I already ate, hyung, but thank you. It’s past six pm. I haven’t seen you all day and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” His cheeks gained a little colour at the statement and Himchan smiled. Junhong would always be an adorable baby. Himchan resisted the urge to coo at him. 

Instead, he nodded and took the bowl from the night stand, then the spoon. He only noticed now that he had spent all day only eating chocolate and chips he still had in his room and could reach from his bed, that he was actually hungry. And needed real food. Junhong’s ramyeon were a gift, really. He had learnt a lot. All the lessons he had given the younger had apparently paid off. 

“I’m sorry this whole thing with Jongup hurt you so much, hyung.” 

Himchan looked up, surprised as he was chewing a huge mouthful of ramyeon. There was an awkward silence as Junhong waited for a reply and Himchan was, firstly, wondering what he was supposed to say and, secondly, trying to chew quicker so he could actually answer and make the awkward silence stop. 

“It’s not as if it’s your fault. I’m dealing with it. And Jongup chose you. Be happy, kid. And treat him well. Oh god, I can’t believe I’ll have to give each of you the talk about how I’ll make you regret if you hurt the other.” Himchan shook his head and Junhong giggled. 

“I won’t hurt Jongup,” he said after his giggles had died down and there was only a smile left on his face. His eyes were sincere when he said it and Himchan nodded and ruffled Junhong’s hair. He was glad he didn’t risk his hand doing that anymore. 

During Junhong’s teenage phase, Himchan’s constant need to destroy Junhong’s hair style when he was doing something cute, had not been taken well by the younger. It had had more than one hissy fit after as a consequence. With time, Junhong had left puberty (much to the relief of the rest of the group) and had accepted that Himchan would never stop ruffling his hair unless he removed his hands from his body and that would have been a little too much. 

“I’m glad.”

“Are you okay?”, Junhong asked quietly. 

Himchan sighed. “I’m mostly confused right now. But… I guess I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Enjoy your time with Jongup. Don’t be too loud. Practice safe sex! Think of contraception! Always use enough lube.” 

Junhong made an inhuman noise and put a hand over Himchan. The younger man was as red as a tomato. “Please, stop talking. I don’t want to hear this. Please. Never again utter any of those sentences.” 

Himchan was almost dying from muffled laughter. 

 

 

There was an awkward tension between Yongguk and Himchan. It was not surprising after everything that had happened, but it had never happened before. Himchan and Yongguk had fought in the past, viciously sometimes, but at the end of the day, they had made up, apologised to each other, and it had been okay again. 

This time though, it was a strange situation to Himchan. He didn’t know how to go from here. He didn’t want to hurt Yongguk. He wanted to be sure of his feelings. But he had no idea what he was feeling at all and it didn’t seem to be fair to figure it out by using Yongguk. Himchan knew the other members were unhappy with the whole situation, so was he, truth be told, but he couldn’t change it. Ignoring Yongguk’s and, potentially, his own feelings, wouldn’t be fair on either of them. 

Himchan told Yongguk that, as nicely as possible. It was the best possibility for Yongguk to get over him. It was the possibility that did the least harm. Himchan saw the tears and sadness in Yongguk’s eyes and he wanted to hug him, wanted to take it all away but – that was not what Yongguk needed right now. Or, rather, _Himchan_ was not who he needed right now. Anyone but Himchan. 

So Himchan squeezed the older man’s hand, got up, left the room. Asked Youngjae to go look after Yongguk. And numbed the knowledge he had hurt Yongguk with a glass of wine.  
But he just didn’t know how he felt. 

 

 

It was Jongup who held him. The younger boy had always had the ability to comfort him without making Himchan feel stupid and insecure. It was not a secret he didn’t like everyone to see his emotions. It was easier with Jongup though. It helped to have someone hold him through his tears and not talk, just gently running a hand through his hair and wiping away his tears every now and then. 

 

 

Weeks passed, and things slowly went back to normal between Yongguk and Himchan. They hung around more often again, joked, and Yongguk seemed to be happier again. Himchan still hadn’t forgotten about Yongguk’s confession and his own mission to find out how he felt. 

“You still haven’t figured it out?”, Daehyun asked one evening when they were sitting together. Himchan frowned. It was none of Daehyun’s business. 

“It’s not that easy.” 

Daehyun raised an eyebrow. “Answer me one question then. How would you feel if I started something with him? If you caught us kissing, his tongue in my mouth, pulling me closer with a hand on my hip. If you saw Yongguk brushing his lips against my cheek as he whispered how much he loves me?” 

Himchan stared at Daehyun, at a loss for words. Well, how would he feel? Just the thought had jealousy in his stomach, like a tight ball of unwelcome feelings. 

“You love Youngjae though. Even though you keep dancing around each other.” 

“Hm, yes, I do. But that’s not answering my question. If you wish it was you instead of me, being treated like a princess, being kissed, waking up next to him… I’d talk to Yongguk. I can’t believe you’re only noticing now that he is in love with you. Do you even know who that song of his, Q, is about?” Daehyun shook his head, got up, and patted Himchan on the back. The older man barely reacted and just stared at the cup of coffee in front of him. 

 

 

Himchan had tried dismissing what Daehyun had said, but how he had claimed Q was about him… Could that even be? Was he right and Himchan just never noticed?

 

_I hide what I want to say within my red lips and make up lies again while having my mouth shut tight_

_The night sky looks dejected and this image of you appears sad; the clothes beside you are crinkled_

_I want to ask who you seem to be longing for, why you’re crying silently, and why there’s no one beside you_

_Despite looking lonely, I can’t comfort you and when you sadly swallow that pill in your left hand_

_That’s when the lies pretend to not know anything and this is how I’ll comfort yourself  
I don’t know what to say no more _

 

It did sound like them, he had to admit, just from a different perspective than he was used to. Yongguk was basically the only person he allowed to see this vulnerable and weak part of himself. Yongguk was one of the few people who had ever seen him cry and maybe the rarity of the situation made it hard for Yongguk to know how to react. 

It still did not answer Himchan’s question about how he felt about Yongguk though. Or did it?

 

 

Himchan was almost glad Junhong and Jongup forced them through dance practice for the new choreography. During the preparations it was usually Himchan’s duty to look after the others. He made sure Yongguk wouldn’t hole himself up in the studio for days with only ramyeon to keep him company. He made sure Junhong and Jongup took breaks between dancing, drank enough and slept enough. He made sure Daehyun and Youngjae didn’t damage their voices somehow by singing too much and he made sure they didn’t kill each other because they had ended up fighting again. 

Himchan tended to forget himself in between. He didn’t do it on purpose, but especially during comeback season, he put the others’ wellbeing above his own. 

He was doing the dishes when he felt an arm wrapping around his waist. “You should sit down. You’ve been up all day, doing this and that.” It was Yongguk standing there and smiling a little. Himchan could still hear the worried undertone in his voice. He had known Yongguk for ages after all. But apparently, he was pretty blind to what the other man had been feeling for years now so maybe that didn’t mean a whole lot. 

“I’m not some old woman,” Himchan snapped and Yongguk chuckled at that. 

“No, you’re not, Channie. At least let me dry the dishes then.” Without waiting for a reply, he took a towel and got started. Apparently Yongguk had learned that arguing with a stubborn Himchan was pretty pointless. But then again, Himchan and Yongguk were about the same degree of stubborn. 

 

 

It was much later when Himchan woke up and blinked, confused as to where exactly he was because that definitely wasn’t his bed because his bed was much broader. His sleepy brain needed a moment to figure out where he was. 

He was in the living room, on the couch. With his head in Yongguk’s lap, a blanket over his legs and stomach, one of Yongguk’s hands lightly resting on his stomach. The other man was snoring lightly and Himchan just stared in the relative darkness that surrounded him. This could only mean someone had turned off the lights, which, in turn, meant with about 97.5% certainty that one of the others had a photo of that scene on their phone. It was just the question of who it was. Probably Daehyun.

Himchan briefly considered getting up and getting into his bed. 

The bed would be cold. He would have to get up and move. He would probably wake Yongguk in the process and be forced to have some weird and uncomfortable conversation with him. 

It was comfortable. Yongguk was warm, the hand on his stomach was a nice weight there. He could feel Yongguk moving ever so slightly when he was breathing. He could smell Yongguk’s faint scent of peppermint and this scent he connected with Yongguk’s recording studio and that this scent that was so utterly Yongguk. 

He could remember it back when Yongguk had taken hours out of his own free time to teach Himchan how to dance properly even though he was probably a horrible student with his outbursts of impatience, his yelling when he got frustrated, his general loudness that seemed so utterly opposite Yongguk. 

Himchan didn’t want to move. 

And so Himchan decided he wouldn’t move. He shifted a little, then closed his eyes and fell asleep again. 

 

 

Himchan wondered if he imagined Yongguk’s smiles as he screeched at the camera to entertain their fans on Vlive. They seemed to enjoy it when he did nonsense. Or maybe he just enjoyed forgetting his age and doing weird grimaces with Youngjae and Daehyun and the fans were an excuse to do just that. 

Himchan was content it seemed to amuse Yongguk as well. Yongguk had such a nice smile and the world needed to see it more often. Which was why Himchan stole the phone from Daehyun’s hands and filmed Yongguk with it. 

“Say something to BABYz, Bbang!” 

 

 

“I sometimes want to do more for our fans, you know?”, Himchan said into the silence of their living room at 1 am. Yongguk turned to look at him. 

“What do you mean?” Yongguk raised an eyebrow, curious. 

“We only see them for such a short moment at the fansigns and they tell us stuff and I want to make sure they’re alright. But I might never see them again. Or not recognize them again, even though I’m making an effort to remember their faces.” 

Yongguk didn’t reply and just took Himchan’s hand. It usually meant that he didn’t know what to say or that he had to think of an answer for a while. Himchan just enjoyed holding Yongguk’s hand and ran his thumb over the soft skin, staring at the way their hands were joined. 

 

 

Yongguk stared at him as if he had just proclaimed Daehyun had decided to go live in a monastery and would take a vow of silence. 

“What?” Yongguk finally asked and no, this was not how Himchan had imagined this would be going. It had had looked a little more like in a love movie in his head. 

“I said I am sorry it has taken me so long to realize this, but I really, really like you, Yongguk. And I hope you still like me because otherwise this would suck a lot now.” Himchan awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and wondered if Yongguk’s gaze had always been that piercing or if it was just his own nerves. 

He shifted and decided it was time to look at his socks now. They were pink and had little crowns on them. They were beautiful if you asked Himchan. 

“It would take a lot to make me stop liking you like that, Channie,” Yongguk finally said. That made Himchan look up, his heart beating faster. He could only hope this meant what he thought it meant. 

“Does that mean I can take you out for a date, Yongguk?” Himchan finally asked and Yongguk smiled. 

“I’d love that.” 

 

 

“I can’t believe we went to see the worst movie in the history of the cinema on our first date,” Himchan said. “It was so boring. And some scenes didn’t even make sense.” 

Yongguk couldn’t stop laughing and Himchan wasn’t sure if it was because of the memory of the movie or because of the face Himchan was making. 

“I’m so sorry, Bbang,” Himchan said but he was smiling as well. Although he was truly sorry this had ended up as a shit movie. They would certainly remember this date though. 

Yongguk just shook his head. “It’s fine. Come on, let’s go to some chicken place. I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.” 

 

 

Holding hands, eating chicken and just talking about anything and everything until they were thrown out by the owner when the restaurant closed was probably the best date Himchan had ever had. Which was, objectively speaking, pretty ridiculous. But it might even be a runner up for his favorite overall evening. 

Now they were sitting on Himchan’s bed, giggling like they were teenagers again. “Thank you for this evening, Himchan. I loved it,” Yongguk finally said, his gummy smile back and Himchan tried his best to ignore the way his heart beat so much faster when Yongguk smiled because of him. Wow, he really was gone for Yongguk. 

“No, thank you. I’ve enjoyed this a lot.” 

There was silence between them and Himchan let his gaze sink to his lap where he was nervously turning a ring on his finger round and round. 

Suddenly he felt a soft touch on his chin and it was lifted lightly. Yongguk had put his index finger underneath it and gently made Himchan look up again. Suddenly Yongguk was so close and his lips looked unfairly plushy and tempting and– 

“Can I?” Yongguk asked and Himchan didn’t find the breath to give a verbal answer so he just nodded lightly and then, then, finally, Yongguk’s lips were on his and Himchan sighed a little and closed his eyes. 

 

 

The first kiss was soft and loving and ended far too quickly. Yongguk licked his lips and stared at Himchan with pupils blown wide. 

Then Himchan leaned over and kissed Yongguk again, this time with much more fervor. A moment later he managed to sit in Yongguk’s lap and wrapped his legs around the older man’s waist as he kissed the other deeply. 

“Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!”, Youngjae was screaming from the hallway and then the door to Himchan’s room was thrown closed. 

Himchan and Yongguk had stopped kissing for a moment, then, after a moment of surprise, started laughing. 

After their laughter had died down, they went back to kissing. Himchan really thought their date was going pretty well.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Youngjae's last sentence was taken from I write Sins not Tragedies By Panic! At the Disco. For this fic, i really listened to those old emo songs from the 2000s. It was fun. 
> 
> Credits for the lyrics of Q, not surprisingly, to Bang Yongguk. I really love that song so much and the version where he sings it with Himchan just kills me. I want a studio version of that please and thank you. 
> 
> Come scream at me on [ tumblr ](https://pinkhimchanism.tumblr.com/) or [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/pinkhimchanism/)


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